Broken

The memory used to haunt me...It used to overwhelm me with guilt and shame. I used to be filled with so much turmoil as I had flashbacks of that cold winter evening. I went home feeling dejected. I cried my eyes out while on the phone with a close friend as he failed at trying to console me. What had I done? Peer pressure had gotten the best of me. To top it off, it wasn't like in the romance novels nor like what people raved about. It was just there, I didn't feel anything...I was numb...I wanted it to be over before it started.


I knew it was wrong but society, movies, the media, and friends were saying it was right. My conscious was a mess. I felt ashamed when in God's presence and feared that lightening would strike me at any second. Then the other issues started to taunt me, I felt like I was living a double life. I was so sweet, quiet and innocent on the outside yet inwardly I was distraught...constantly fighting what seemed like a never ending battle.

I did it! No, I didn't loose my virginity like most people say...I gave it up...

*******

How It All Began:

The first time I was introduces to the topic of sex was in Elementary school(Primary School). The school's counselor came into our classroom and spoke about inappropriate behaviors to us. She described inappropriate ways to be touched by the opposite sex and encouraged us to report it to someone if we ever had such an experience. I never had such experience, so I didn't pay much attention the talk.

During Junior High School (JSS), sex was re-introduced to me as 'exciting and fun' by my peers. These were days when puberty began and hormones were raging. It became interesting because everyone talked about it...from the geeks to the popular folks. Some were bold and outspoken about it, while others discussed it in hush tones or daydream about it in the head. I did the later.

And in the free society that I grew up in, it was everywhere on TV, in books, magazines, on the internet, etc. But the whole thing was still vague, all I knew was that my parents asked my siblings and I to closed our eyes during the 'kissing' portions of the movies/shows we watched.

One day I went over to a family friend's house, her parents just got cable television that had ALL the channels. Out of excitement and curiosity, we flipped through every channel and saw people in 'the act', we were all curious and watched it briefly until the fear of being caught forced us to turn it off. This opened the door to various experiences in my life. 

It didn't help that I was a loner while growing up, I enjoyed my own company. I was too shy, I didn't like social gatherings. I usually stayed in my room and read romance novels or daydreamed about a fairytale life.

After a while, my mind was overwhelmed with lustful thoughts. I was so curious about this thing called SEX. Why was everyone so excited about it? What was so special about it? Why was everyone in a hurry to do it?

One day while snooping around, I found a DVD. It was a pornographic movie. I had a television in my room, I popped it in. From that day forth, I found myself hooked. I would hide it and bring it out during times when I knew everyone at home were asleep or away. Every time I watched it, I felt really really bad. No matter how hard I tried to stop watching it, a strong urge will come upon me and I couldn't control myself. It got worse as I turned to the internet to satisfy the urge. 

Yes I was addicted. In the midst of it all, masturbation also came into the picture. All of this is what led to that cold winter evening, when I paid for a motel room because he didn't have any money and gave it up.

The story continues...

You're blessed!

- Bunmi

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