Emotional Roller Coaster

I and Daniel's relationship started beautiful, it was like a dream come true. He was romantic, caring, and generous but it all fizzled out shortly.

One word that sums up I and Daniel's relationship is...DRAMA!!!
We were up one day and down the next, calling it an emotional roller coaster is an understatement. I believe we both cared about each other but we weren't mature enough to be in a committed relationship at that time of our lives. He had personal struggles and so did I. We were both hurting and as the saying goes "hurt people hurt others". He had commitment and childhood issues and I had self esteem issues. 

At the beginning of our relationship we both agreed that we wouldn't have sex until we were married. We managed to abstain for about a year, but we eventually fell. Back then I felt horrible because I knew what God told me, I felt like a failure. But I've discovered that we fell because we relied on our own strength and didn't set boundaries. The kissing and touching will eventually lead to the act.

Shortly after we became intimate, our relationship started falling apart. We had too many issues to count. We just couldn't get along, we opened the door to the enemy and he was having a party. Our relationship became abusive (verbally & physically)on both ends. All of a sudden I wasn't good enough for him, I was too fat, couldn't dress, too shy, etc. He was once my prince charming but he turned into an arrogant, harsh, monster. I wasn't perfect neither.

We both felt guilty about being intimate and indirectly blamed one another. Half way through our relationship, we both rededicated our lives to Christ and became workers at our church. The Holy Spirit was convicting us of our misdeeds and we didn't know how to stop. We'd pray for forgiveness and fall again time without number. We felt terrible, we felt like we couldn't control ourselves. We were also ashamed and felt like we couldn't talk to anyone about it.

After struggling for so long we finally made a decision to stop. We managed to do so but by then the damage had already been done. We discovered that our relationship didn't have a solid foundation. After the sex stop, there was nothing to keep us going. We were bored in each other's presence, we didn't have the same goals, etc.

After breaking up and making up a few times, Daniel finally called things off. No matter how much I cried and begged he was done. After 3 and 1/2 years I felt betrayed, we were supposed to get married. I made up my mind to deal with his imperfections while secretly hoping that he'd change. I made up my mind to put up with the abuse. I made up my mind to settle for him because I thought he was as good as it gets. Well, thank God he broke up with me! What was I thinking?

Although it hurt so much and I hated the time period for so long, it turned out to be a major turning point in my life. Back then I thought my life was over, but when I look back now I rejoice because it was when my life actually began. It was the time that led to me fully committing myself to God.


You're blessed!

- Bunmi

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Broken

The memory used to haunt me...It used to overwhelm me with guilt and shame. I used to be filled with so much turmoil as I had flashbacks of that cold winter evening. I went home feeling dejected. I cried my eyes out while on the phone with a close friend as he failed at trying to console me. What had I done? Peer pressure had gotten the best of me. To top it off, it wasn't like in the romance novels nor like what people raved about. It was just there, I didn't feel anything...I was numb...I wanted it to be over before it started.


I knew it was wrong but society, movies, the media, and friends were saying it was right. My conscious was a mess. I felt ashamed when in God's presence and feared that lightening would strike me at any second. Then the other issues started to taunt me, I felt like I was living a double life. I was so sweet, quiet and innocent on the outside yet inwardly I was distraught...constantly fighting what seemed like a never ending battle.

I did it! No, I didn't loose my virginity like most people say...I gave it up...

*******

How It All Began:

The first time I was introduces to the topic of sex was in Elementary school(Primary School). The school's counselor came into our classroom and spoke about inappropriate behaviors to us. She described inappropriate ways to be touched by the opposite sex and encouraged us to report it to someone if we ever had such an experience. I never had such experience, so I didn't pay much attention the talk.

During Junior High School (JSS), sex was re-introduced to me as 'exciting and fun' by my peers. These were days when puberty began and hormones were raging. It became interesting because everyone talked about it...from the geeks to the popular folks. Some were bold and outspoken about it, while others discussed it in hush tones or daydream about it in the head. I did the later.

And in the free society that I grew up in, it was everywhere on TV, in books, magazines, on the internet, etc. But the whole thing was still vague, all I knew was that my parents asked my siblings and I to closed our eyes during the 'kissing' portions of the movies/shows we watched.

One day I went over to a family friend's house, her parents just got cable television that had ALL the channels. Out of excitement and curiosity, we flipped through every channel and saw people in 'the act', we were all curious and watched it briefly until the fear of being caught forced us to turn it off. This opened the door to various experiences in my life. 

It didn't help that I was a loner while growing up, I enjoyed my own company. I was too shy, I didn't like social gatherings. I usually stayed in my room and read romance novels or daydreamed about a fairytale life.

After a while, my mind was overwhelmed with lustful thoughts. I was so curious about this thing called SEX. Why was everyone so excited about it? What was so special about it? Why was everyone in a hurry to do it?

One day while snooping around, I found a DVD. It was a pornographic movie. I had a television in my room, I popped it in. From that day forth, I found myself hooked. I would hide it and bring it out during times when I knew everyone at home were asleep or away. Every time I watched it, I felt really really bad. No matter how hard I tried to stop watching it, a strong urge will come upon me and I couldn't control myself. It got worse as I turned to the internet to satisfy the urge. 

Yes I was addicted. In the midst of it all, masturbation also came into the picture. All of this is what led to that cold winter evening, when I paid for a motel room because he didn't have any money and gave it up.

The story continues...

You're blessed!

- Bunmi

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1. Please leave a comment below, I'd love to hear from you!

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